FUM +/- NEYM, Some Queries

I've been seeing a lot of discussion in the blog-o-sphere regarding FUM policies, and in particular, since New England Yearly Meeting annual sessions the other week, discussion regarding NEYM's relationship to FUM. I am not technically a member of NEYM, but sojourn unofficially in an NEYM meeting and am connected to a number of NEYM Friends, and find this issue close to my heart.

After reading a post by Peter over on Quaker Pagan Reflections and many comments to it, I felt the need to lift up a few queries, but realized that they would do better in their own post rather than merely a comment to a post

At the moment, I am not interested in stating my own position on whether or not NEYM should remain affiliated with FUM (though it may come up later or elsewhere). What I do feel led to do is lift up a few queries to facilitate further dialog on this issue, whether here on blogs, or in person elsewhere. First I'd like to very, very briefly name the main concerns that I continue to hear.

+There are Friends who feel that remaining affiliated with and continuing to contribute financially to FUM condones the current FUM personnel policy that discriminates against those who are LGBTQ[etc.]. (For those who are not aware: The FUM personnel policy, as I understand it, states that all FUM personnel are to refrain from all sexual activity outside of marriage between a man and a woman.) These Friends tend to feel that NEYM should stop supporting FUM and should dis-affiliate as a witness against such a policy and to show support of LGBTQ[etc.] Friends.

+There are also Friends who feel that leaving FUM is not the solution, that NEYM should find other ways to stand witness against the discrimination of this policy as a contributing affiliate of FUM, such as intervisitation among other FUM yearly meetings to share where NEYM stands.

I realize that these summaries are a bit over-simplified, and that there are much more in-depth arguments in support of and against each of these positions. I did not want to include absolutely everything I've read or heard, but rather wanted give the most basic of summaries to give more context to the queries. Friends are invited to correct me or make clarifications if I am in error or have left out something important.

Here are the queries I feel the need to lift up for consideration:

+What does it mean to be affiliated with FUM? Does it require unity with every policy? Does it involve unity with a more general intention (and if so, what is that intention)? What are NEYM's responsibilities as an affiliate?

+If NEYM remains affiliated with FUM, what does that mean for NEYM? Is integrity compromised? What are NEYM's responsibilities as an affiliate in disagreement with at least one main policy?

+If NEYM dis-affiliates with FUM, what would that mean for NEYM? What are NEYM's responsibilities in continuing to stand witness to equality? Also, what would that mean for FUM? Would this mean that NEYM has no more responsibility for standing witness against FUM's personnel policy?

+What are NEYM's priorities as a spiritual institution? Are there are other witnesses that are also important - patience, love, accountability? Are there other large issues contributing to this consideration (such as the Richmond Declaration), and what are NEYM's responsibilities to those issues?

I hope that these queries are helpful and not too redundant.

much love to all,
Claire

One More on God and Science

In earlier posts I have tried to articulate my sense of how science and God fit together. I have continued to struggle with this all summer, even and especially with my new experiences from the gatherings I attended. I will share some of that struggle here and where I find myself right now.

I have stated several times that whether or not my experiences of God can be explained by science is not important to me. As a scientist, however, I continue to find this statement alone a little too dismissive for comfort, leaving me with unaddressed doubt.

As a side note, in my struggles, I have observed that the times I experience the strongest doubt are the times when I have become too wrapped up in my thoughts and have forgotten my experiences, and have forgotten to listen. I have also found that when a scientific explanation for something sends me into a world of doubt, it reveals to me ways that I think about God – ways that may be either distractions from, or analogies for my true, real experiences. It challenges me to face those areas of doubt, and to maintain my integrity in the face of insecurity.

Here is my latest thought:

Science continues to progress into the realm of brain function. Say that one day science explains the human sense of God as a series of neurons firing in some particular area of the brain, and then goes as far as stating that this was an evolved adaptation – that the reason we have this sensation is because it was evolutionarily advantageous. Science has just given an explanation for my experiences of God. I say: So what? This explanation does not challenge the reality of my experiences – I still have them, they still have meaning – nor does it address the existence of God.

Along the same lines, some researchers are working on describing emotions as various neuron-firings in certain parts of the brain. This does not invalidate our emotions – they are still real experiences, and still have meaning.

A scientific explanation of something does not invalidate experience. My sense of God is an experiential one. Science cannot invalidate my experiences of God, and my experiences of God cannot invalidate science, and in this way science and God are not incompatible.

There are a great many ideas (my own and others) that I have encountered in the process of figuring this out, but I do not feel the need to dive into those ideas here right now, as fascinating as some of them are. Perhaps on another day, in another post, should they choose to arise.

Love and Light,
Claire

Words

Friends, what is God?

I have been listening to various recordings of interviews, lectures, discussions, and debates (mostly in podcast form), as well as a couple sermons on God, Jesus, Religion, and science. In each of these recordings people talk about God, Christ, or Religion (yes with a capital ‘R) without first clarifying what they mean, as if it’s assumed we’re all talking about the same thing when we use these words.

I listened to more than one entire argument about the incompatibility of science and Religion or science and belief in God where I had to discern from what the arguer was saying just what he or she meant by ‘God’ or ‘Religion’, only to discover that whatever definition used was not at all what I mean when I use these words.

I listened to two beautiful sermons about following Jesus Christ where congregations were encouraged to listen for Christ in every part of their lives, to not get stuck in ruts or merely following procedure. I realized that it has taken me years to be able to understand this sort of sermon; in this preaching it is assumed that everyone knows what and who Christ is, what it means to listen deeply, what it feels like to follow God or Christ within and to feel that deep sense of being called. In my experience that first step requires openness to experiences, a struggle to understand those experiences, and a commitment to trusting what is found there. Without knowing that, all this talk is very peculiar, confusing, and even stressful – why don’t I know what this guy’s talking about?

Here we all go pretending or assuming we know what other people are talking about when they use these words and refer to certain experiences as if we all mean the same thing and are coming from the same place. No wonder we have such walls around us in this world!

Something that I continue to learn over and over, especially recently, is the great importance of open, honest, and full communication. Friends we must be open to the different understandings of the words we use. We must clarify our own meanings without assuming those with whom we speak know what we mean right off the bat. We must not be afraid to ask others to clarify what they mean and to be open to their truths.

Granted, these are not easy things to define. I have struggled in this very blog to intellectually articulate what I mean by God. But that, Friends, in and of itself, is a clarification of what I mean. It is clear by now, I’m sure, that when I speak of God I do not mean some distant being, some old man in the sky. I have clearly avoided using gendered pronouns for God. I see God as omnipresent, in everyone, everywhere. God is what I hear and feel when I quiet my mind and my ego and listen deeply. God is that deep knowing when something is right or wrong, of when I need to act or hold more patience. These statements, while hardly a beginning of a definition of God, are much more of a clarification of my experience of God than merely using ‘God’ in a discussion or argument without any attempt at such an explanation.

So, Friends, tell me: What is God, in your experience? What do you mean by Christ?

I expect that we will find more than one answer among ourselves.

Love and Light,
Claire

Untitled

Oh how wearing it is when we engage in a raw struggle to be faithful to God! We battle with every part of ourselves and strive to hold it in the light, that we may find clarity, that we may discern what needs to change, how we can live more faithful lives with God at our center at all times. I am worn out, Friends, and find that God is even ever-present when I slow down to rest. We are where we are, and we must focus on where we are, living fully in the present. In our striving we can become carried away, too focused on the goal, too caught up in what faithfulness should look like, or what we think it looks like in other people.

What does accountability from God look like? The answer is a life-long process.

A message from Meeting this past First Day: maybe we are not human beings trying to live spiritual lives, but are instead spiritual beings trying to live human lives. We must realize our humanity, love it, and accept it. We are human, we are imperfect, and God is with us still, always.

Isn't that incredible?

Love and Light,
Claire

NCYM(C) Yearly Meeting Sessions 2007

Before this year, I had never attended the yearly meeting sessions of NCYM(C), my home yearly meeting. To get there, I caught a ride with a two Friends from Greensboro, whom I had never previously met; no one from my home meeting in Durham was planning to go until the next day, and I wanted to be there from the start. I realized on the way that I was about to show up at a gathering of Friends where I knew no one. I practiced focusing on God.

The night before I had arrived home in the wee hours of the morning from Boston, where I had visited friends of mine right after FGC Gathering. I was tired, and feeling some stress about entering yet another new environment with new people, and stress about keeping my focus on God through all of it. When I got to the opening Meeting for Worship held by Ministry and Oversight, I was relieved for the worship space. About half way through I opened my eyes for a few moments and noticed that in the row in front of me was a Friend from my home meeting (in NC) who had moved to the Boston area near the same time I did. God is a clever one, indeed.

As much as I was focusing on God, God did not keep me from feeling awkward and withdrawn around lots of people I didn't know. Despite not knowing anyone initially, as the week progressed I felt as though I had walked into a large family where I was loved like a family member just by being there. There are only 8 monthly meetings affiliated with NCYM(C), some of which are very small, so with a total of approximately 85 adults - though many of whom were visitors to our YM sessions - it felt much more like a single family community.

This smaller size also leaves space for the wonderful tradition of the reading of the queries. Over the course of each year, each monthly meeting responds to the 12 queries in the NCYM(C) Faith and Practice, and at yearly meeting sessions these responses are worshipfully read aloud during business sessions. It was very interesting to hear where meetings had similar answers and where they differed. One elderly Friend who's been to NCYM(C) yearly meeting sessions nearly every year of her life commented that once upon a time monthly meetings gave single yes or no responses to the queries, whereas today each response tended to be at least a paragraph, if not longer.

Another highlight of the week, in my experience, was a YAF panel on the last night. Getting it together was somewhat disorganized and involved a certain amount of outward indifference, but the outcome was very important. I ended up joining the panel last minute, making a total of four of us who sat and responded to queries about growing up in the yearly meeting asked by an older Friend in front of most of the attenders of yearly meeting.

I do not really remember the queries, exactly. What I do remember is having the opportunity to name issues that I had growing up in my home meeting, and to name things that prevent me from having conversations and relationships with older Friends. Here are some things that I remember were important for me to name while speaking on this panel:
-Continuity and organization are important in First Day School
-As a YAF, when I walk into a room of older Friends whom I do not know, I feel automatically as if I have to prove that I am a dedicated Friend, and that I do have experience in the wider community. I feel as though I don't begin on an equal playing field.
-Often in my experience of unprogrammed Friends, committees and projects are so desperate for younger Friends that good process is ignored. The decision to ask a young Friend to serve becomes based purely on age, without discerning where spirit is leading. This is the problem of the Token Young Friend.
-There are many older adult Friends I would love to have conversations with, but I am terrible at beginning them.
-Many Friends are so afraid of imposing anything religious on the children that they neglect to even speak of their own experiences. This leaves youth with nothing to build on, no references, and no resources. There is HUGE difference between saying "you shall believe this!" and "here's my own experience".

As a note, I am sure that I have left off important things from this list, including a lot of other YAFs' experiences.

Being able to name these sorts of things out loud to other Friends, older and younger, opened space for intergenerational dialog in a way I'd never before experienced. Once that was out in the open, many Friends felt much more comfortable in approaching us and beginning conversations. Unfortunately, it was the last night of yearly meeting so there was not much time for these conversations at yearly meeting, but hopefully the seeds have been planted and will grow among meetings in NCYM(C) into much stronger intergenerational communities. I hope to find a way to encourage the opening of that space in my own home meeting before I leave again for Massachusetts.

I am so glad to have gone to NCYM(C) yearly meeting sessions this year. I feel as though it is the beginning of a stronger connection to my home yearly meeting, to my roots, and the beginning of a greater understanding of Conservative Quakerism and where I fit in the great Quaker spectrum. I hope that I will find my way back in the near future.

Love and Light,
Claire

Three Weeks, Three Gatherings

I think that I have been avoiding posting about my gathering experiences because I don't even know where to begin! However, reflecting upon this, it seems to me that the post immediately previous to this one is indeed a good beginning. In it I described an opening that I experienced at the beginning of my first gathering of the three I attended, which affected every single experience I had afterwards. Another part of my avoidance has been because my experiences at each of the gatherings - YFNA reunion/Quaker camp in Barnesville, OH, FGC Gathering in River Falls, WI, and NCYM(C) annual sessions in Wilmington, NC - were each intensely personal. I will try, though, to express some sense of my experiences here.

Barnesville was amazing, intense, light-hearted, challenging, and transformative. A few sentences from my journal describing the first full day:

"I love the smell of grass and dirt on my hands. I love lying in the grass and baking in the sun. I love campfires with the low murmur of voices around the crackling in the middle, and dimly lit faces. I love laughing uncontrollably at things that may not actually be funny, and smiling so much that my face hurts. All of this happened today."

Grass, sun, and laughter persisted throughout the week. An intense focus on God joined those joys the next morning [see my previous post]. Beginning on First Day, there was Bible study followed by a full hour of Worship each morning. Oh that all my days would begin with an hour of corporate Worship! I felt the deep, spiritual sense of ancestors in the Stillwater meeting house. There seemed to be a layer of grounded-ness pervading the entire property, soothing, supporting, and challenging all. In the afternoons, in addition to Frisbee or some other activity, I usually took space for myself to process my new experience of God and its implications in my life, both past and present. Even when not in Meeting for Worship, I felt very much in a centered space. I tried not to stress about how this new experience and this incredible centeredness would translate when I arrived at FGC Gathering as a counselor for the High School Program, an experience that never fails to bring chaos, intensity, and exhaustion along with all the joys of participating.

Being on FGC Gathering HS Program staff this year was chaotic, intense, painful, very challenging, and in more ways than I am able to see, fruitful. We had a very challenging year as a staff this year. I felt clearly called to be a grounded presence for the community, and took this on with all my heart. During some of our challenging worshipful times together as a staff, I found myself feeling very intensely. Several times I got to the point where my heart would start pounding and I would even begin to shake a little, but at the same time was not called to speak any message. I was called to be present in that space, and that itself was my message. I had never experienced anything like that before.

I practiced thanking God for the pain in my life, and for empty feeling I experienced when I felt so stuck, unable to discern Way Forward. These things too are experiences of God. It is through pain that we have the opportunity to grow. It is through pain that we appreciate just how precious joy and comfort are. It is through pain that we begin to discover our own great strengths, and the kind of good work we can do in this world. I continue to thank God for my pain, past and present. It is a gift.

Throughout both my time in Barnesville and my time at FGC Gathering, I was so grateful for fellowship with dear f/Friends of mine, new and old. I thanked God for the nurturing and support I found among Friends, and tried not to dread too much the day when we would part ways again. Such community lifts up my life and holds it so dearly and safely.

I will end this post here and save my experience of NCYM(C) annual sessions for another post.

much Love and Light,
Claire

Oh God

At the beginning of my travels three weeks ago I began to have an intense new experience of God. After Meeting for Worship First Day morning I left feeling upset and had returned to my room to let my emotions move through me. I pulled out my journal and began to write. It wasn't long before I realized that I was writing to God.

"How do I follow you, God, through this pain? You are this pain, but you are also the way through. Help me see it, oh God, help me find you here.."

I had never before addressed God so directly, nor had I ever really considered trying, but these words flowed so naturally and smoothly from my pen. I felt a sense of comfort, a sense that I was not alone, though I was in a room by myself. I then had the striking realization that I had never been alone. The implications of this experience are many and profound.

Since that afternoon I have practiced being consciously attentive to God in every part of my day. I have practiced speaking to God, and prayers and queries have formed naturally in my mind. I I have stressed out that I will forget, I have worried that I will return to old habits once home (and I am home now), and I have practiced asking God for help and releasing my need to control. Trusting God does not mean trying to do it myself, too.

I have continued to search for rationality and compatibility with science. God moves through science, works through science, makes science possible. I read somewhere that science is the study of God's work, and I agree, wholeheartedly. God is the meaning in everything we cannot control, and if we are faithful, God is how we make the right decisions for the few things in life we can control. My experience is my reality, and I trust it above all else.

These past three weeks I have found myself thanking God for all my experiences, for evenings of laughter that left my stomach and face sore, was well as mornings of pain and brokenness that left my heart sore. Both joy and pain are experiences of intense love, and both are opportunities for growth and strengthening. I acknowledged God as both a comforting presence and a blank and painful emptiness. I sought out God in places of discomfort and loneliness and found myself praying to find the meaning, to find Way Forward, to have patience.

Today I found myself focusing to a query that formed into words after I had begun acting in response: Am I patient and thoughtful in all my interactions with others? Do I strive to see that of God in each person I see during the day?

Every single person is full of energy and incredible complexity and utter beauty, and is worthy of love and patience. It is easier to see once you strip away all preconceived notions about personalities, cultures, beliefs, and personal choices, and just see the person as a human, as a pumping heart and breathing lungs and muscles that tense and relax upon command, as a being that is full of life. I practiced seeing this in every stranger I saw, and this, to me, is the practice of seeing God in everyone.

As new as all this is to me, I cannot hide this experience. I am called to integrity, and to stand firm in my experience of God and all that comes with it. I am only just beginning, and there is so much yet to learn.

Love and Light,
Claire